Attachment Styles in Romantic Partnership - When the Inner Child Comes Alive
Most of us have probably heard the term the inner child, perhaps under the label of therapy.
It is acknowledged that the inner child carries a lot of beliefs from the past that we have never questioned, and that we simply carry along with us into adult life.
Those beliefs can become less useful as we grow older, as they are often outdated.
The inner child is the young version of ourselves, the one who watched the world through the eyes of innocence, creating a picture of what the world looks like and how to act within it.
Some of us grow up in loving, caring families where we feel safe, accepted and seen for who we are. This is what we generally refer to as a healthy childhood and is associated with what attachment theory calls secure attachment.
Attachment theory was developed in the 1950s by John Bowlby, who studied the way infants seek closeness to a primary caregiver as a way of finding safety and security.
Attachment theory has since developed considerably, and researchers have also studied how attachment patterns can play out later in life, including in our romantic relationships.
Our early relationships can influence how we relate to others as adults, but they are not the only factor. Later relationships and life experiences can also shape our attachment patterns.
The Secure
“I am worthy of love, and others are capable of loving me.”
This style would typically feel relatively confident with intimacy and know their boundaries quite well. They trust others and do not fear intimacy, and when in conflict they do not necessarily see it as a threat, but rather as an opportunity to grow.
They tend to have better tools to communicate openly and honestly, even when things become uncomfortable.
Perhaps this is the attachment style that most of us strive towards.
And becoming more secure is possible. It requires inner work: questioning ourselves and the thoughts that pop up when we find ourselves in a position of vulnerability and intimacy.
Being securely attached does not mean never feeling insecure, jealous, angry or afraid. It is more about how we respond when those feelings arise.
The Avoidant
Others grow up in environments where they feel less safe, where their emotional needs are not consistently responded to, or where closeness does not feel available or comfortable.
A child may learn that depending on others is not reliable and that it is safer to become independent and not need anyone.
This can develop into what is called an avoidant attachment style.
These children may learn to minimise their need for closeness and become very self-reliant. Rather than seeking comfort from a caregiver when distressed, they may learn to deal with things on their own.
As adults, they may not respond well to too much closeness and may avoid going deeper into a relationship, perhaps fearing that intimacy will threaten their independence.
They may keep their partner at arm's length, and when the partner comes too close, they may walk the other way.
The feeling of not needing anyone can become a protection:
“If I don't need anyone, I cannot be hurt or disappointed.”
What once helped the child feel safe can later become something that prevents them from experiencing the depth of connection they actually long for.
The Anxious
Another less safe environment for a child can be when they seek closeness with their parents but experience their availability as inconsistent.
Perhaps the parents are physically present but not always emotionally available. Sometimes they are warm and loving, and at other times distant, preoccupied or angry.
The child cannot predict when affection and attention will be available.
This can make the child highly alert to their parents' moods, constantly trying to read the room:
Are they happy with me? Did I do something wrong? Are they going to leave?
If the child experiences affection and love as dependent on their behaviour, they may begin to believe that they are responsible for their parents' moods.
If the parents require space or silence, the child might interpret this as abandonment:
“I did something bad. I am not good enough.”
When the bonding and closeness the child seeks is not responded to in a consistent way, this can contribute to what is called an anxious attachment style.
Later in life, they can become highly dependent on their partners to reassure them that they are lovable.
They seek intimacy but may fear that they love their partner more than their partner loves them. They may find it difficult to give themselves the love and reassurance they need, and instead seek it from the outside.
They may have a strong need for closeness and constant reassurance, making them very attentive to their partner's mood and reading into it as a sign of how much they are loved.
A conflict can feel like a direct threat to the relationship, and the fear of the partner leaving becomes very real.
Underneath this may be the old belief:
“Maybe I am not enough.”
The Fearful-Avoidant
There is also another attachment pattern that is important to mention: fearful-avoidant attachment, sometimes referred to as disorganised attachment.
This can feel like being caught between two opposite needs:
“I want you close, but I am afraid of being close.”
A person may deeply desire intimacy but at the same time be afraid of vulnerability, rejection or being hurt.
They may move towards someone and then suddenly pull away.
They may want reassurance but find it difficult to trust it.
They may long to be loved while also finding it difficult to believe that love is safe.
This can create a push-and-pull dynamic that can be confusing and painful for both people in a relationship.
When Attachment Styles Meet
And this is where it becomes particularly interesting in romantic relationships.
Imagine an anxious person and an avoidant person falling in love.
The anxious person feels the other person pulling away, so they move closer.
The avoidant person experiences this closeness as pressure and moves further away.
The more they withdraw, the more anxious the other person becomes.
So the anxious person pursues harder.
And the avoidant person withdraws further.
Suddenly, they are caught in a dance that neither of them consciously chose.
“Come closer.”
“You're too close.”
“Why are you pushing me away?”
“Why are you putting so much pressure on me?”
Both are trying to create safety, but they are using completely opposite strategies.
And this is where the inner child can come alive.
The adults may be arguing about a text message, needing space, sex, affection or spending time apart.
But underneath the argument, something much older may be saying:
“Don't leave me.”
Or:
“Don't trap me.”
The question then becomes:
Am I responding to what is actually happening right now, or has something from my past been activated?
This does not mean that everything that happens in a relationship is simply an old wound.
Sometimes a partner really is emotionally unavailable. Sometimes a relationship really is unhealthy. And sometimes our nervous system is reacting to an old fear in a situation that is actually safe.
Learning to tell the difference can be a big part of becoming emotionally mature.
We Are Not Our Attachment Style
These theories have developed and expanded considerably over the years.
Most likely, we can relate somewhat to more than one of these patterns, perhaps some more than others. We may also experience ourselves differently in different relationships.
Our attachment style is not a fixed identity.
We are not condemned to repeat the emotional strategies we developed as children.
Through awareness, healthier relationships, communication, emotional regulation and inner work, we can begin to recognise our old protective patterns rather than automatically acting them out.
Perhaps the goal is not to become the perfectly secure person who never gets triggered.
Perhaps the goal is simply to notice:
“Something in me has been activated.”
To pause.
To become curious.
To ask what the younger part of us is afraid of.
And then, instead of allowing the inner child to take over the relationship, allow the adult we have become to respond.
Because sometimes the person standing in front of us is not the person who hurt us in the past.
And sometimes the relationship we are in today deserves the chance to be experienced through the eyes of the adult we are now—not through the fears of the child we once were.
Want to discover your own attachment pattern?
There are several quizzes one can take online. They can be useful as a starting point for self-reflection, although they are not a diagnosis.
Here is one example: